I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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