I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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