Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
