I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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