you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
