Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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