This is not my ceiling
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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