I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
