can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
