I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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