Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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