It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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