i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Every concussion has its silver lining
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
