Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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