I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
