i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
where does the pee come out of this thing
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
