I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
