Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Even my vagina gasped.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
