I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
