i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
