This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
