i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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