Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
