eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
