the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
