I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
