im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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