It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
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