who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
