Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
