i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
