So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
