Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
