my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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