i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
