he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
