i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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