I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
