I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
