I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
