i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
