jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
