Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
