You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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