my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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