Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
