When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
