I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
