Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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