You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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