If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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