Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
